The Event
Fourth of July celebration in the redwoods with BBQ, fire pit, music, games, and lore nobody asked for but everyone now has to live with.
Live
CITADEL ALERT: Ranger is within 6 feet of unattended chips.Noxi has initiated unauthorized Soul Bonding.Commander Meatseeks reports the meat is on its own journey.The crows saw that.Gnome count discrepancy detected.Adam has located another scenic overlook.Billmax is updated. No further fucks available.Snake Jazz is culturally protected. Please hiss respectfully.Artemis has accepted your Blood Oath.Icarus is head bobbing. This is normal.Namu has begun field research.Orion has wandered off with dignity.CITADEL ALERT: Ranger is within 6 feet of unattended chips.Noxi has initiated unauthorized Soul Bonding.Commander Meatseeks reports the meat is on its own journey.The crows saw that.Gnome count discrepancy detected.Adam has located another scenic overlook.Billmax is updated. No further fucks available.Snake Jazz is culturally protected. Please hiss respectfully.Artemis has accepted your Blood Oath.Icarus is head bobbing. This is normal.Namu has begun field research.Orion has wandered off with dignity.
National Recreation Area & Smoked Meat Preserve
Official Visitor Center & Lore Archive
Welcome to
The Citadel
Ben Lomond, CaliforniaEstablished 2025Dimension C-10266
People Fed. Culture Built. Chaos Managed.
You have reached the official orientation portal for The Citadel: a redwood-adjacent micro-nation dedicated to smoked meat, friendship, questionable decisions, and making sure nobody drives home drunk.
If you are confused, that means the system is working.
- Ranger Snack Policy: Disputed
- Most Things Are Not For Ranger
- Petting Encouraged. Feeding Transfers Liability.
Exact coordinates are classified until morale improves.
Citadel Operating Console
System Scan: Continuous
Dimension C-10266
Welcome to The Citadel
People Fed. Culture Built. Chaos Managed.
Readings are live, official, and almost entirely fictional. Tap any panel.
You Scanned a QR Code at a BBQ.
Here's What Happened.
- The Citadel is real.
- It is a house in the redwoods that got out of hand.
- The government is fake.
- The departments, directors, and permits are bits.
- The BBQ is serious.
- Smoked meat is the one thing nobody is joking about.
- Ranger is hungry.
- Ranger is always hungry. This is his entire personality.
- Most things are not for Ranger.
- Please review the snack policy before making promises.
- Ranger Snack Policy: Disputed
- Most Things Are Not For Ranger
- Petting Encouraged. Feeding Transfers Liability.
Portal activity remains poorly understood.
Orientation File 001
What Is The Citadel?
The Citadel is Dave & Ciara's redwood mountain gathering place, unofficial BBQ headquarters, friend-family hub, and increasingly elaborate inside joke.
- It began as a house.
- Then came the smoker.
- Then came Ranger.
- Then came the snakes.
- Then somebody made a map.
- Now there are departments.
Please remain calm.
“The Citadel isn't lost. You're just not supposed to find it.”
Visitors are encouraged to enjoy the BBQ, meet the snakes, pet Ranger, respect the redwoods, and avoid creating additional paperwork for Ciara.
Please do not create additional paperwork for Ciara.
Official Map
Official Artwork Pending Ranger Approval
Citadel Forest Service
Pre-Show Safety Orientation
Please review the following briefing before entering the visitor area. Acknowledgment is mandatory. Comprehension is optional.
Ready for entry review? Proceed to the Four Gateways Exam.
Tap any rule for clarification you did not request.
Quick Orientation
The 60-Second Briefing
Everything a new visitor needs before the lore takes hold. Read these placards in any order. They will all eventually make sense, or they won't.
The Food
Smoked ribs, Texas Twinkies, chicken, snacks, sides, s’mores, and whatever Mr. Meatseeks declares fit for human consumption.
The Rule
Nobody drives drunk. The Citadel maintains a strict key-confiscation policy. This is not a negotiation.
The Dog
Ranger is friendly, handsome, persuasive, and wrong about what food belongs to him.
The Lore
Every sign has a backstory. Some of them are even true.
The Vibe
Family-friendly-ish, adult-humor-adjacent, mountain-house chaos with snacks.
Flavor levels remain elevated.
Citadel Forest Service // Entry Protocol
The Four Gateways Exam
Complete all gatekeeper reviews to receive your official Dimension C-10266 visitor identity.
Entry into the Citadel requires basic snack containment, reality flexibility, crow-observable judgment, and a signed Soul Bonder Accord. Comprehension is optional. Compliance is appreciated.
- 1Visitor Certification
- 2Find Adam
- 3Gnome Count
- 4Crow Court
- 5Soul Bonder Accord
- 6Extra Credit
- 7Identity Assignment
- 8Certificate
Loading entry protocol…
Park Service Directory
Official Org Chart
Citadel Departments
The Citadel operates under a rigorous and entirely self-appointed bureaucratic structure. All directors are doing their best. Most of them are doing too much.
01
Mr. Meatseeks BBQ Division
Director: DaveSmoked Meat Allocation Specialist
Responsible for smoke, ribs, Texas Twinkies, chicken, meat timing, questionable confidence, and saying “it’ll be fine” while checking temperatures every four minutes.
Authorized Flavor Generation Zone
Official02
Interdimensional Hospitality Division
Director: CiaraDirector of Interdimensional Hospitality
Responsible for guest services, emotional regulation, culture building, practical decision-making, and making sure the entire operation does not collapse into a pile of smoked pork and bad ideas.
People Fed. Culture Built. Chaos Managed.
Official03
Council of Ciaras Pavilion
Director: CiaraMembers: Raya, Shane, Mikayla & chaos consultants
A continuous advisory body responsible for visitor services, event coordination, family governance, and asking whether anyone has seen Dave.
Problems reported here. Problems created elsewhere.
Official04
Citadel Forest Service
Director: RangerOfficial Park Protector
Protecting trees, supervising snacks, monitoring guests, and filing formal objections to all “Not For Ranger” policies.
Good boy. Good work.
Official05
Department of Solitary Relief
Director: AdamDirector of Snake Jazz & Solitary Relief
Responsible for privacy research, emergency trail assessments, questionable wilderness decisions, and maintaining the Adam Zone.
Previous incidents have occurred.
Official06
Snake Jazz Research Institute
Director: Adam, technicallyMascot: Sunglasses Snake
Dedicated to the study of reptilian acoustics, mysterious rhythms, and whether snakes have feelings too.
Tss tss tss.
Official07
Civic Engagement Office
Director: KristenFormer Mayor of The Citadel
Responsible for permits, public comments, civic order, chamber-level charm, and somehow still being in charge despite no official election being documented.
Permits available. Probably.
Official08
Emergency Operations Center
Director: NickDirector of Emergency Preparedness
Prepared for fire, flood, earthquake, portal event, unexpected Adam activity, and whatever Dave forgot to plan for.
This is a drill. Or is it?
OfficialProblems reported here. Problems created elsewhere.
Cruzio Interdimensional Records Division
Citadel Radio
Recovered Citadel Sessions are now playable. Please hiss respectfully during Snake Jazz broadcasts.
Broadcast source: Vercel Blob Archive // Dimension C-10266
Scanning Blob Archive…
Citadel Personnel Division
Classified Character Archives
Official records of Citadel personnel, assets, and entities. Files may be incomplete, redacted, or aspirational.
Confirmed Gnomes On Record: 0 / Unverifiable
Park Regulations
By order of the Council of Ciaras
- 01No fireworks.
- 02No feeding the snakes.
- 03No feeding Ranger.
- 04Most things are not for Ranger.
- 05Stay on designated diesel trails.
- 06Do not enter active portals.
- 07Petting Ranger is encouraged.
- 08Negotiating with Ranger is not.
- 09If you become too intoxicated to drive, The Citadel will take your keys.
- 10Smokey Bear was unavailable for comment.
Violation of snack policy may result in sad eyes, additional sad eyes, and gastrointestinal consequences.
Previous incidents have occurred.
Citadel Operations
Live Citadel Dashboard
Real-time monitoring of all critical Citadel systems. Accuracy not guaranteed. Reality subject to refresh.
System Readouts
- Timeline Integrity
- 72%
- Gnome Count
- Counting not advised
- Crow Surveillance
- Active
- Ranger Snack Proximity
- Dangerous
- Meatseeks Internal Moisture
- Classified
- Soul Bond Pressure
- Rising
- Adam Location
- Scenic
- Noxi Air Quality
- Unacceptable
- Billmax
- Updated
- Remaining Fucks
- 0
Operator Controls
Controls are fully operational and entirely without consequence.
Citadel Cartography Office
Locations & Attractions
Official points of interest within the Citadel grounds. Maps are approximate. Some locations relocate when observed.
Dragon Lair
A heat-lamp sanctuary for distinguished reptiles. Bobbing may occur without warning.
Soul Bonding Pavilion
Soul Bonding is not an invitation. Researchers remain baffled. Side effects may include friendship, confusion, and returning next year.
Approved Relief Stations
Officially sanctioned facilities. Please refrain from panic flushing. You are not deleting browser history.
Bamboo Row / Beverly / Croce
A scenic interpretive corridor named after vehicles, neighbors, and at least one legend.
Ford Memorial Site
Built tough. Remembered forever. Scientists remain baffled. Rangers suspect a Ford.
Commander Meatseeks Smoke Command
The operational heart of flavor. Do not open the lid. Do not ask if it’s done.
Garden Committee Zone
Jurisdiction of the gnomes. If you notice another gnome, there has always been another gnome.
Crow Court
Where the murder convenes. Proceedings are confidential. They saw that.
Snake Jazz Pavilion
Live reptilian acoustics, culturally protected. Please hiss respectfully.
Snake Council Chamber
A sacred ceremonial space for very small noodles of great importance.
Table Dragon Containment Area
Contained, monitored, and surprisingly charming. Hazmat protocols on standby.
From the Citadel Archive
Founding Lore Timeline
A loosely accurate account of how a house in the redwoods became a jurisdiction. The archive remembers. The archive may also be embellishing.
- 2025
The Citadel Established
A house in the redwoods becomes more than a house. It becomes a jurisdiction.
- Early Era
Ranger Assumes Office
Ranger begins his term as Head of Security and immediately objects to snack restrictions.
- The Smoker Era
Mr. Meatseeks Arrives
BBQ operations expand. Meat allocation becomes formalized. Nobody is sure who authorized this.
- The Adam Incidents
Department Formed
After multiple sightings and an ongoing commitment to privacy, Adam is appointed Director of Snake Jazz & Solitary Relief.
- 2026
The Diesel Incident
A local vehicle attempts to return its petroleum to nature. Scientists remain baffled. Rangers suspect a Ford.
- July 2026
Official Fourth of July Celebration
The Citadel opens its doors to friends, family, coworkers, and other generally awesome humans.
- Ongoing
Chaos Managed
The work continues. The snacks remain not for Ranger.
Issued to All Guests
Visitor Survival Guide
Follow these steps for a safe, well-fed, and minimally confusing visit. Detach along the dashed line and keep with you at all times.
1
Before You Arrive
- RSVP if possible.
- Bring drinks, snacks, or yourself.
- Do not bring fireworks.
- Prepare for lore exposure.
2
Upon Arrival
- Locate The Citadel.
- Greet Ranger.
- Do not feed Ranger.
- Check in with a human who appears responsible.
- If no responsible human is available, find Ciara.
3
During Your Visit
- Eat BBQ.
- Visit the Snake Jazz Research Institute.
- Enjoy the fire pit.
- Play games.
- Respect the redwoods.
- Hydrate.
- Laugh at signs.
4
Before You Leave
- Confirm you are safe to drive.
- Surrender keys if necessary.
- Retrieve belongings.
- Say goodbye to Ranger.
- Do not promise Ranger food on the way out.
Hydrate. Don't feed the snakes.
Access Request — Form CZ-877150
Request Entry to Dimension C-10266
Formerly logged as CZ-877150. The archive refuses to explain the renumbering.
Exact coordinates to The Citadel are classified until visitor intent has been assessed and smoked meat requirements have been calculated. Please RSVP so we know:
CZ-877150 remains valid for legacy paperwork, gnome filings, and unresolved snack-policy appeals.
- How many humans are attending
- How much meat to prepare
- Whether additional chairs are required
- Whether couch space may be needed
- Whether Ranger needs to be warned
Please do not create additional paperwork for Ciara.
RSVP Portal — Form CZ-877150
Submit Your Attendance Intent
All fields are optional except your designation. Details are reviewed by the Garden Committee and are never displayed publicly.
Department of Visitor Confidence
Frequently Avoided Questions
Answers provided by the Citadel Department of Visitor Confidence, Gnome Compliance, and Question Reduction.
Don’t ask questions.
Repeated questioning may result in additional signage.
Citadel Records Intake
Add Yourself to the Lore
Submit your personnel file for archival review. All entries become canon, whether they are true or not.